Back to His Day Job...

David Ortiz tested positive for steroids in 2003. Can I please have a show of hands of all the people in the room who are surprised at this shocking new development. No one? Really?

This guy stunk in Minnesota, came to Boston, took birth control pills with Manny, hit 54 home runs in 2006, got off the juice, and stinks again.

You know how I know this as fact? Ortiz is getting regular periods again.

This just in from Hank Steinbrenner on Twitter: @hankstein Hey John Henry? Congrats on the revelation that your championship 3-4 hitters juiced. You like-a the way the dick tastes?

Rollin' in the Benjamins

The Yankees are back to their winning ways as they head to Chicago to continue their assault on the American League Central (19-5 in 2009). This has got us thinking: Can the Yankees win 100 games? Let's play with the numbers.

The Bombers are 62-39 through the first 101 games of the season. There are 61 games left. The Yanks are 38 wins away from the century mark. I think a record of 38-23 with a .622 winning percentage down the stretch is more than reasonable (they currently sit at .614 for the year). It will be fascinating to see if this squad can stay strong and actually get stronger for the remainder of the season. They have 27 games left against the AL Central and AL West, where they are a combined 32-13.

Win the series against the Sox, run away with the East. Shower A-Rod with Dom Perignon.

Mets Win, Yanks Lose, Wang Out For Season

The Mets continued their winning ways behind a good start by Mike Pelfrey. Obviously the Mets aren't going to lose again this season, win the NL East and will be so good the rest of the summer that Bud Selig will waive the NL playoffs and just put the Mets in the World Series.

The Yankees lost a very ugly game full of errors and sloppy play, hopefully getting all of that out of their system last night. Swisher is absolutely embarrassing in right field, begging a few questions: Will the Yankees trade for an OF? Will the Yankees make a trade at all? Why does Eric Hinske rot on the bench?

And yes, last but certainly not least, Chien-Ming Wang visited Dr. Andrews for his baseball death sentence: Shoulder surgery today, out for the season. One would think the Yankees will now go after a serviceable 4th/5th starter like an Arroyo, Washburn, etc.

Wilpon Hangs Minaya Out to Dry

"He understands he made a huge mistake and put us in a bad spot."

The truthful and very telling words of New York Mets owner Jeff Wilpon, responding to the words and exchanges of yesterday's press conference.

Congrats, Mets, I can barely remember why the press conference yesterday was called. Your organization has done so much to embarrass itself over the past 26 hours that everyone already forgot about Tony Bernazard.

Start the countdown, Omar Minaya's days are numbered.

Yankees Spank Rays; Mets Spank Rockies, NYDN

Swisher hit two home runs, Cano went deep, and Damon joined in the party with a shot of Jack himself, as the Yankees beat up on the Rays, 11-4. Bombers still 2.5 up on the Sox.

The real story of the day came before any pitch was thrown, as the sinking Mets held a press conference in late in the afternoon to announce the firing of Tony Bernazard. Big deal? Not really. The big deal came when Omar Minaya used a public forum, being simulcast on SNY and WFAN, to present the idea that he believed the Daily News reporter that broke the Bernazard story had an ulterior motive in his reporting: he wanted the psychotic VP of player development's job.

According to Minaya, who crucified the Daily News' Adam Rubin during the press conference, claimed Rubin approached him about breaking into the baseball business and used the power of the pen to create a job opening for himself.

THIS JUST IN: Confirming earlier reports, Omar Minaya IS actually the dumbest GM in baseball, and probably needs to be fired. The Mets front office is an embarrassment.

Oh, I almost forgot: The Mets won again, their third consecutive win. Congrats to the Triple-A team in Queens. None of that even matters anymore, because the Mets, the Wilpons and Omar Minaya will be absolutely crushed in the New York media for weeks to come. Don't expect anything positive about the Mets to come out of the Daily News anytime soon.

One question comes to mind: Where the hell are the Wilpons?

Yanks Done Streaking; Gardner to DL

I guess we can't be too upset that the Yankees didn't start the second half 9-0. Losing one to the A's probably shouldn't happen, but they won the series 3-1, improving their record to 59-38. Pettitte started well, but fell apart later in the game.

As we all wake up this morning to news about Brett Gardner's broken thumb, questions about his replacement are swirling. The three most obvious choices seem to be Shelley Duncan, Austin Jackson, or Ramiro Pena.

Duncan would be just for power options off the bench, Jackson and Pena would be for centerfield (Pena has been starting a bit in triple-A).

Gardner has been a real asset, and I never thought I'd say this, but the Yankees are not as good without him. He got hurt sliding into second, and played the rest of the game, hitting a triple and making several plays in the outfield. You don't see toughness like that much these days anymore.

Bring up Austin, he's been compared to Joe D early in his career, and I'm sure most Yankee fans are excited to see what he can do at the major-league level.

Oh, and check out this hilarious story about Shelley Duncan.

Another Good Start

Joba had a great start Friday against the A's, making that two good ones in a row. Many are crediting the success to his quicker pace on the mound.

Yeah, it's great that he's won consecutive starts and has pitched well, but it's going to make the innings-limit-move-to-the-bullpen that much harder. I do get admittedly smitten when I think about Joba being thrown into the bullpen for the playoffs. Aceves, Coke, Hughes, Chamberlain as the bridge to Mo is about as exciting as it gets.

Phil Hughes is the new Joba. And he could be the next Yankee closer in 20 years when Mariano decides he wants to stop dominating baseball.

No rush though, let the Sandman do work.

57-37*

On the surface, one would look at the MLB standings and see that the Yankees are 57-37, currently sit in first place and have won six in a row, sweeping both the Tigers and Orioles. We at The Black and White Cookie provide our readers with a closer look, and a reason for the loud obnoxious Yankee fan to sit back and shut up a bit until Sunday, Aug. 9, after the final game of a four-game series with the (second-place) Red Sox.

When the Yankees make it to the ALCS, they will likely play one of two teams: Red Sox or Angels. The Yankees are a combined 2-12 against these teams. This is why I say the Yankees' current record deserves the Barry Bonds treatment.

Yes, they have the best record in the American League and second-best record in the majors, but their record is hollow. As long as they make the playoffs, and assuming they will draw the AL Central champ in the first round, the Bombers should coast into the ALCS (19-5 against the Central).

Food for thought: It's unrealistic to say the Yankees should be 8-0 against the Sox instead of 0-8, but a reasonable split versus the Beantown Bastards would put the Yanks six games up in the division.

Just sayin'

Mets: "We don't need Roy Halladay"

According to SI's Jon Heyman, the New York Mets declined an offer from the Toronto Blue Jays that would have brought ace Roy Halladay to Queens for two minor-leaguers and a bag of Skittles.

Fernando Martinez (.176 BA in 91 major-league at-bats), Jonathon Niese (career 6.47 ERA in the bigs), Bobby Parnell (respectable 4.25 ERA in 36 innings in 2009) and some shortstop named Ruben Tejada.

Omar Minaya (clown pictured above) said "No, thank you. We're fine the way we are. We've got the Phillies right where we want them."

By the way, Halladay's crazy good stats can be found here. Taste the Rainbow.

Meaningless Grades

Everyone else is doing it, so we will too...

Here they are: the long-awaited Yankee Midseason Grades!

Pitchers

C.C. Sabathia: B
He's been solid. Nothing real bad, but nothing worthy the money he's being paid.

A.J. Burnett: B
Again, has shown signs of greatness, but hasn't lived up to the green.

Chien-Ming Wang: Inc.
(Insert quip about Wang's inability here)

Andy Pettitte: C-
Andy has been brutal as of late, and overall very inconsistent. A few decent starts sprinkled in here and there keep him from an F.

Joba Chamberlain: D
Hey, remember when Joba struck out 12 Red Sox? You don't? Why not? Is it because he got rocked in the first and got the loss? It is? Damn. Joba's inconsistency as a starting pitcher is about as frustrating as it gets.

Lineup

Derek Jeter: A
I don't feel this explanation needs more than this: .321

Johnny Damon: B
Was very hot to start 2009, I'd like to see his average up closer to .300, but he's had a great year so far.

Mark Teixeira: B
Yeah, he hit the cover off the ball in May and part of June, but he was about as bad as you can be in April, and went nearly a month without a home run.

Alex Rodriguez: C+
Starting to come around, finally looking healthy. He's still running like a fat toad.

Jorge Posada: B
Missed some time in May, but is so vital to the lineup. Good season so far for the aging backstop.

Robinson Cano: B-
Of course he's hitting over .300, he better be. But his average with RISP is .211. That's about as ugly as it gets. No wait, check that: this is as ugly as it gets.

Nick Swisher: B+
Swish carried the Yankees through April, finishing the month with a ridiculous 1.144 OPS, but has come back down to earth.

Hideki Matsui: B
I can't stand the fact he's a permanent DH now, but he has hit well at times.

Francisco Cervelli: B+
Listen, no one is going to come in a replace Posada's bat, but this kid is going to be the next big thing when old man Jorge finally realizes he's a DH. He worked the staff, called great games and had five multi-hit games in his short time with the big club.

Melky Cabrera: A
He's been solid, posting a .347 OBP in the bottom third of the lineup. His defensive skills and clutch hitting in '09 help him make Dean's List.

Brett Gardner: A
I said before the season, when the new Clueless Joe named "Gardie" the starting center-fielder, that if he hit .270 he'd be useful. He's hitting .282 and is a threat to run every single time he reaches with his .352 OBP. Almost the biggest surprise ever.

Cody Ransom/Ramiro Pena: C-
Pena might have scored an A by himself, but averaging it in with Cody Ransom being the dunce of the class, it resulted in a C-. Why is Ransom still on this team? Ransom is slugging .027 lower than Jeter's batting average. Just awful.

Mariano Rivera: A+
Three walks in 37 innings. 0.89 WHIP.

If you have any problems with these grades, and would like to set up a parent-teacher conference, please leave a message with a reservation. I have 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. open all next week.